Stardust

ONCE UPON A TIME, there was a movie called Stardust based on Master Gaiman's popular work. And so it was that the film came to pass, and it attempted to stay true to its roots, and in doing so was actually three tales combined.

THE FIRST TALE was about a randy young man named Dunstan Thorn (Nathaniel Parker) who escaped the town of Wall, which also happened to have a wall, and was thus the reason for its namesake. On the other side of the wall (or Wall, if you prefer) was a kingdom known as Stormhold. The very first person that Dunstan met there was a princess, who was captured by a witch. Having discovered that she was held captive, good Dunstan promptly did what any good adventurer would do; that is, to sully her virtue and not call her for nine months. Thus it was that a bundle of joy named Tristan (Charlie Cox) arrived at his doorstep.

But Tristan was as unwise in choosing love as his father was lax in returning for his lady friend, which, by all accounts, means the adventuresome Dunstan left the princess to languish for something in the order of twenty plus years. Anyway, Tristan promised to win the beautiful but decidedly unpleasant Victoria's (Sienna Miller) hand in marriage by retrieving a fallen star. Except said star turned out to be quite the hottie herself (Yvaine played by Claire Danes) rather than a glowing piece of plasma, which complicated matters as you can probably imagine.

THE SECOND TALE was about a ruthless king (Peter O'Toole) and his backstabbing seven sons. These seven were all as ruthless as their father, and when the king fell ill they merrily offed each other in devious ways, until only one was left. But alas, the princes all were cursed to roam the earth as ghosts, and really had nothing else to do but comment on the events happening in the movie, as if the audience needed to be told when there were funny bits. The inclusion of these princes was largely superfluous, as those who have read fairy tales, and those who have had fairy tales read to them, most certainly knew who would end up with the crown in the end.

It just so happened that any prince-who-would-be-king required an amulet, which was tied to a star. And that the king, on his deathbed, sent the amulet into space, which turned the star into a woman, and then brought her back down to earth, which led to quite a few jokes about being a star. All that glowing and such.

THE THIRD TALE was about witches and pirates, an unbeatable combination when the primary witch, Lamia, was played by Michelle Pfeiffer and the primary pirate, Captain Shakespeare, was played by Robert DeNiro. And yet it was odd in that Lamia, who became uglier and weaker with every spell she cast, cast an awful lot of them, often with wild abandon. And it was also odd that Captain Shakespeare, a flaming fey pirate if there ever was one, was also an awful combatant, as evidenced by his sound trouncing by one of the many princes in pursuit of the star. And it was most certainly odd that a talented actor like DeNiro would play a gay pirate so outlandishly foppish, complete with a lisp, that it should devolve into offensive parody instead of humor. But that's pirates for you.

And so it came to pass that Stardust, which ran far too long, was the rare film with more budget than it knew what to do with. And thus the special effects were amazing, the acting pretty good, the plot not so much, and the conclusion, while thrilling, a little trite. So the adventurous critic, only somewhat amused by Stardust, watched Princess Bride instead, which while not having nearly as much of a special effects budget, had twice the charm.

And he lived happily ever after.