Zu Warriors

I saw the subtitled version on KungFuHD (which alas, no longer exists). I didn't take notes while watching the movie, so I'm sure I got some of the names wrong. I would point out that the below review contains spoilers, but really, the entire movie could be watched backwards and it would make as much sense as what I'm about to reveal, so I'm not giving away that much. Here's what I can figure out...

The immortal land of Zu consists of three different nations. There's the warrior monks led by White Eyebrow guy, which includes the super-powered fighting team of Thunder (a male) and Lightning (a female), some guy named Hawk (Wolf's buddy) with metal wings (like Archangel from the Marvel comic series), and some other sword fighting guy I will call Sword. White Eyebrow guy wields a powerful Shield of Heaven, which shines light on things and can destroy them. Then there are the peaceful bald monk types, who preside over the balance of Heaven. They are generally non-combatants. Finally, there's a nation of two people: the lone wolf protagonist (no clue what his name is, but let's go with Wolf), and his mentor/love interest (lets call her Moon). Wolf wields the power of the sun, Moon wields the power of the uh, moon, which manifests as a flying crescent blade.

These are immortals, remember, so everyone can fly, wields powerful magical weapons, and sneers at humanity.

One day, Mordo, the bad guy who consists of a huge flying stream of screaming skulls, decides to return to power and attack Zu. Mordo is basically a guy in a Cthulhu-mask, which really ruins the cool effect of his screaming skulls. Anyway, Mordo begins systematically destroying each of the Zu lands, killing Moon. Upon dying, Moon bestows the floating crescent blade to Wolf. Mordo is finally driven off by the White Eyebrow Superfriends.

Mortally wounded, Mordo hides in a Blood Cave, where he is able to absorb everyone's magical weapons, including White Eyebrow's Shield of Heaven. Now it's a standoff - White Eyebrow's team can't fight Mordo without losing their weapons, but Mordo is still recovering, slowly gaining energy to unleash his evil wrath on the world. So Hawk gets the sole duty of watching the cave to ensure Mordo doesn't escape while White Eyebrows comes up with another plan.

If that doesn't seem colossally stupid enough, White Eyebrow's plan is to merge Thunder and Lightning into one person. But they must both be one hundred percent confident as they ram into each other. Failure means they explode. If you're missing the symbolism, Thunder wields a long, giant blade that he thrusts forward when he rushes into Lightning ... you get the idea.

Anyway, Wolf is pretty miserable now that his mentor is dead. When Thunder flinches as he tries to merge with Lightning, they're both destroyed. Thunder is reborn as a childlike moron and Lightning seems to be unaffected - but in truth, White Eyebrows rebuilt her with a piece of Moon's spirit. Fortunately, because Thunder is an idiot, there's no danger of any sort of love triangle.

Hawk, in the mean time, gets fooled into feeling sorry for a little faerie that escapes from the cave. It turns out the faerie is actually a demon that ends up possessing poor Hawk. So Hawk goes on a killing spree, wiping out most of White Eyebrows' team.

Somewhere along the line, Sword falls for a human female soldier, who doesn't have much to do but stand around in awe of all the flying immortals and their amazing incompetence.

By now you've figured out how the story ends, right? No? This isn't clear enough for you? Sheesh, some people need everything explained ...

White Eyebrows decides to try to find the secret of the universe. He leaves Super Team Defense to Wolf, infusing him with some mystical knowledge. This knowledge is encased in one of those sparkly glowy crystal things that float over the Sims. Then, in the tradition of Ben Kenobi, he fades away, as all white-haired guys must. Only in the ensuing battle with evil, Wolf dies. Fortunately he is reconstituted when White Eyebrows discovers the secret of the universe, healing Wolf.

Thunder finally remembers who he is (his irritating dialogue is supposed to be hilarious, I gather), gets it on with Lightning, and their Wonder Twin Powers activate. So Thunder/Lightning and Superenlightened Wolf face down Evil Hawk (who does not have a goatee) and Mordo in the Blood Cave lair. Fulfilling his oath, Wolf kills Hawk and puts him out of his misery. Mordo is defeated. Moon's reincarnated spirit either leaves Lightning or manifests, but I can't remember because I didn't care at that point.

The end.

It's telling how many people praise this film without providing any detail as to the plot. That's because this hyperkinetic mess is a tangle of poor special effects, bizarre storyline plotting, and far too many characters to follow. Some of this can be chalked up to differences in culture and translation. But a lot of it can't.

It should have been an anime.